I hate this. I miss her.

I just did the one thing I swore I wouldn’t do–I sat here and asked me if maybe my ex-roommate and my ex-boyfriend and that ex-friend who broke my heart were right and I really am that person who is projecting and can’t take personal responsibility and who just sucks.

At best, I feel like I’m just the problem friend that people have to put up with. After all I’ve put Kat and Crystal through it feels so very shitty to just crash again. I feel like I’m at that point where I’m hurting so much that all of my conversations are about me and that’s just not fair. My friends deserve better.

More than anything, I hate that I’m doing this because I wouldn’t have done this in, say, March. I was so much better, you guys–so much better that my therapist and I agreed that I wasn’t depressed anymore. And towards the end of my relationship the constant guilt-tripping and manipulation had me backsliding at an alarming rate, and now here we are.

I’d become someone so strong and confident, someone I was proud of. I could look at myself and say, “My life isn’t perfect, I’m not perfect, but I’m damn awesome,” and mean it. And now I’m just sitting here wondering if I’m anything other than just a shitty person. Wondering if maybe everything has been my fault and I’ve been the problem all along.

I hate this so much. I thought I would never feel this way again and I feel cheated out of my emotional and mental health. It seems so unfair that I fought for eleven and a half years, literally half my life, to live a life without depression and I barely lasted a couple of months before going under again.

The only thing I holding me somewhat together right now is that I get to talk to my therapist tomorrow.

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4 thoughts on “I hate this. I miss her.

  1. You’re going to be okay. Two steps forward, one step back. Rinse, repeat. Eventually you’ll cross the finish line for good. ❤

  2. Oh, I’m sorry. The thieving nature of depression is one of the most depressing aspects of it. Coming out of a relationship can be a depressing and hurtful situation; it would be natural for anyone to feel depressed. Given that depression is something you’ve been struggling with for so long, it’s worth being cautious, and delicate, with the lifts that come along.

    All I can suggest is that generally, the people who feel like they’re the shitty person are the ones who are, in fact, the best-hearted. The ones who actually care enough to be hurt. And the ones with the insight to question themselves.

    The few months may not have been the cure, but they are a symptom that you are able to get there. Hang on to that thread, even in the abyss.

    I wish you well. Take care.

    • Thank you so much for the kind words. It’s been such a difficult place to be in, feeling too selfish to stand my ground and feeling like any moment in which I went, “No, seriously, there is nothing else you could’ve done” was a moment where I gave myself too much credit.

      Here’s to moving forward.

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