I just did the one thing I swore I wouldn’t do–I sat here and asked me if maybe my ex-roommate and my ex-boyfriend and that ex-friend who broke my heart were right and I really am that person who is projecting and can’t take personal responsibility and who just sucks.
At best, I feel like I’m just the problem friend that people have to put up with. After all I’ve put Kat and Crystal through it feels so very shitty to just crash again. I feel like I’m at that point where I’m hurting so much that all of my conversations are about me and that’s just not fair. My friends deserve better.
More than anything, I hate that I’m doing this because I wouldn’t have done this in, say, March. I was so much better, you guys–so much better that my therapist and I agreed that I wasn’t depressed anymore. And towards the end of my relationship the constant guilt-tripping and manipulation had me backsliding at an alarming rate, and now here we are.
I’d become someone so strong and confident, someone I was proud of. I could look at myself and say, “My life isn’t perfect, I’m not perfect, but I’m damn awesome,” and mean it. And now I’m just sitting here wondering if I’m anything other than just a shitty person. Wondering if maybe everything has been my fault and I’ve been the problem all along.
I hate this so much. I thought I would never feel this way again and I feel cheated out of my emotional and mental health. It seems so unfair that I fought for eleven and a half years, literally half my life, to live a life without depression and I barely lasted a couple of months before going under again.
The only thing I holding me somewhat together right now is that I get to talk to my therapist tomorrow.