Necessity calls… (another FYI)

It has come to my attention that there’s apparently a flame war breaking out between my ex-boyfriend and me, something of which I was not aware until I received a link for his second-to-last blog post.

Please allow me to reiterate something: I don’t want to read what he’s posting. I understand your concern. I understand that you wanted me to stand up for my best friend. I wanted to stand up for her, too. But I told myself that the only way to get him out of my life for good is to not lavish him with attention, so I’m not going to comment on his blog or tweet him or generally make a scene.

I have ZERO interest in starting a he-said, she-said thing. And in order to nip that in the bud, allow me to set the record straight on a few counts:

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Boo on this week, yo.

Okay, I’m gonna be straight up here: my self-imposed break has lasted way longer than it should have, so I haven’t worked out in over a week. In my defense, I’ve been super sick–to the point that I had to cancel my therapy session on Wednesday because I had a fever of 102° F and my voice was a scratchy mess.

I’ve also been pretty good about not stuffing my face with everything fatty ever even though I really wanted to. I ordered myself Thai on Wedneday because I really needed chicken rice soup in my life, but other than that I haven’t eaten out and I’ve cooked proper meals for myself. Between the reduction in calories and the avoidance of super fatty foods, I’ve lost 0.6 pounds over the past week–which isn’t a whole pound lost but it’s not a gain either! Baby steps.

Overall, I’m not happy with my lack of progress, but I am happy with my attitude towards it. Since I said that some WoW time was my reward for working out, I haven’t played at all this week due to lack of exercise. I’m hoping that going to temple tomorrow and then fasting for Tisha B’Av will help me get renewed focus so I can jump right on track… and not having to go to work next week means that I’ll have to work out my own schedule but lunch will no longer be a logistics issue.

Meh. I was super excited about not having bitten off my fingernails over the past two weeks, but then I forgot to file them last night and when I got a snag in one today I bit it off. Then I bit off two more, and then all of them to even them out.

I still have time to grow them back out properly before I go home, though…

TWO MORE WEEKS AND I WILL BE HOME WITH MY FAMILY AND I’LL GO TO THE BEACH AND IT WILL BE GLORIOUS.

I hate this. I miss her.

I just did the one thing I swore I wouldn’t do–I sat here and asked me if maybe my ex-roommate and my ex-boyfriend and that ex-friend who broke my heart were right and I really am that person who is projecting and can’t take personal responsibility and who just sucks.

At best, I feel like I’m just the problem friend that people have to put up with. After all I’ve put Kat and Crystal through it feels so very shitty to just crash again. I feel like I’m at that point where I’m hurting so much that all of my conversations are about me and that’s just not fair. My friends deserve better.

More than anything, I hate that I’m doing this because I wouldn’t have done this in, say, March. I was so much better, you guys–so much better that my therapist and I agreed that I wasn’t depressed anymore. And towards the end of my relationship the constant guilt-tripping and manipulation had me backsliding at an alarming rate, and now here we are.

I’d become someone so strong and confident, someone I was proud of. I could look at myself and say, “My life isn’t perfect, I’m not perfect, but I’m damn awesome,” and mean it. And now I’m just sitting here wondering if I’m anything other than just a shitty person. Wondering if maybe everything has been my fault and I’ve been the problem all along.

I hate this so much. I thought I would never feel this way again and I feel cheated out of my emotional and mental health. It seems so unfair that I fought for eleven and a half years, literally half my life, to live a life without depression and I barely lasted a couple of months before going under again.

The only thing I holding me somewhat together right now is that I get to talk to my therapist tomorrow.

For the record…

When I talk about my ex-boyfriend? Some of y’all know who that is. And if you do? I will kindly ask you to keep that to yourself. Don’t tell people who don’t know. And whatever you do, don’t personally attack him. It’s not worth your time.

This is my blog. It’s about me and how I feel. This isn’t some personal vendetta or an attempt to discredit him or anything like that. This has nothing to do with him and everything to do with me needing to heal.

So if he’s posting things to try and piss me off? Don’t tell me. Aside from wanting him to leave me alone, I couldn’t give a rat’s ass what’s going on with him. I’m done letting him get to me. I’m done.

Please respect that.

A break, yes, but my eye’s on the finish line.

Let’s be real, here: I wasn’t expecting to come out of convention having been totally great about my diet and lifestyle changes. The part that sucks is that I didn’t even go in being great about them.

Thursday started the vicious cycle: I didn’t work out before dinner (partially because the flan took so long to make!) and then I ate more than I should have that evening, including flan. But at least there was a lot of salad on my plate and I only had one glass of sangria! Baby steps.

Convention weekend, I won’t even itemize. Suffice it to say that I stuffed my face all weekend and I was too exhausted from all the panels to make myself work out. Today started off on the wrong foot too because I didn’t have time to make myself lunch or snacks, so I know I’ll be starving by the time I get home (I’m about to leave work).

I’ll see if I can at least make myself work out tonight…

No means no means no (and no, I’m NOT changing my mind)

I’ll begin this post by saying that the incredible Julie, whom I am lucky to call my friend, has already written an incredible post about consent. (If you haven’t read it, RUN, don’t walk. It’s quoted and discussed here.) I’ve also written about the fear I live of sexual assault in when I talked about rape jokes. BUT, at the risk of being repetitive, there are still some things I feel the need to say.

TRIGGER WARNING: DISCUSSION OF ISSUES OF CONSENT, LEGAL AND OTHERWISE

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